getting my bearings

This weekend kiddo got to hang out with his dad, which I’m generally in favor of; he has a good time, gets to spend some time with his dad (whom he does miss a great deal), and most importantly for a while at least doesn’t feel like his own father doesn’t want to spend time with him, more on that in a moment.

As I said I am generally in favor of these visits, they are good for kiddo and that is really enough for me. However every time he comes home from one of those visits there is about a day where he looks at me like he is not sure where I fit into his life. I’m not his dad or am I, can he care for me the way he cares for his dad and so on. I know that a large part of it is because he is exhausted, every time he goes to hang out with his dad; his dad seems to try to pack as much awesome into a 24 hour period as is possible, I get the impulse I really do. And then I find myself getting jealous of this guy, because I would love to just do fun things with kiddo. But no I’m the one helping to provide structure and consistency in his life, the one helping to make home where he feels safe, doing homework, working on projects, making sure he gets to the things he needs when he needs them every day. I think what really bothers me is that on some level I end up jealous of a guy who has missed Christmas with his son, or who can’t be bothered to drop a card in the mail for a birthday never mind picking up the phone. And as the one who is there to try to distract kiddo from these things, who is there when he is sad, or sat for an hour helping him put together Legos I feel like I should rate a little higher.

But really I’m being selfish, and truth is I would much rather be the one who is there when he needs a father instead of a buddy. And really I’m more than content with that; I’m honored. My ego will heal and at the end of the day, the week, the month, the year, and for however long I get too, I will try to be there when it matters.

-ITBrewer