Defeating the Can't

Sometimes I think being a parent makes you take a long look at the things you do. Sometimes it’s because you catch your kid mimicking something that you do but don’t like about yourself. Sometimes it is because you see the beginnings of a bad habit that seems to just be part of human nature.

The following exchange is semi regular in my house

Me: “Kiddo I need you to do (insert activity he doesn’t want to do but does regularly here)”

Kiddo:  “I can’t!”

Me: “I know you can you’ve done it before”

Kiddo: “no I can’t!”

Me: “when you tell me I can’t when you really don’t want to what is that”

Kiddo: “a fib”

Me:  “ok, will you please (do the thing you really don’t want to do, homework)”

Kiddo: “I….don’t want too”

At least there is some progress on the getting things done front but what really stands out to me here is what appears to be happening, everyone does this, we just get better at rationalizing things when we are adults.

We are really good at giving ourselves excuses on why we can’t do things, “I can’t go to the gym I’m too tired/busy” or “I want to go back to school but I can’t because I don’t have the time” or “I could apply for that job but I’m not exactly what they are looking for” and so on. Some of this is real I’m sure; some people really are too busy to get to the gym on a regular basis for example. But I feel like a lot of this is really just people either a) avoiding doing something they don’t want to do or b) being a bit scared of putting themselves out there.

I would be willing to bet that every adult out there is fallen into either categories at one time or another. It is an easy trap to fall into and really I would much rather sit on the couch and play a video game then go to the gym for example. And it is hard for a lot of people to break through the wall of habit and excuses some times.

So what does this have to do with a parent?  First of all I know that sometimes when Kiddo says “I can’t” that’s really what he means and part of my job is to help him not to give up, and help him to succeed.  But when I see the beginnings of this trait that we all have I want to help him avoid it (or at least make it a little easier to beat it later in life).  I can’t really explain to him that when he’s in his twenties that he will need to be able to push past the “I can’t”, all I can do in truth is show him that even if you think you can’t you need to try.

And so I’m going back to the gym….my legs are sore

-ITBrewer

Some traditions....

Last week we participated in what is turning into an annual tradition for us; a trip to the ER. Trips to the ER are always a bit stressful even when they are for things that fall in the “emergency but not really” category which is what this was.

This year as with the last trip we were informed by just about every professional we encountered (along with a few parents of small boys) that the reason for our visit (on the chart as “foreign object in ear”) was a rather normal thing. Still kiddo was nervous when we went into the ER and that translated into not being able to really hold still for the doctor trying to remove it so they referred us to the specialist. By this time Kiddo was scared and had an expectation of pain and so could not hold still for Doctor Number two, and after a few attempts (and some real fear on the part of kiddo) the doctor while providing the customary sucker said we would need to sedate him. And so getting up way to early we went back to the hospital.

Now it was time for some anxiety on our part. While we knew in our head that they were going to do something fairly non-invasive, it was technically called surgery. I am always super impressed with the staff at hospitals, in hindsight they are clearly used to keeping nervous parents calm as well as the patients, we met the entire staff that would be taking care of Kiddo (three nurses,  two doctors). He was given a sedative before being wheeled out of the room leaving us there to wait.

Now in my head I knew that everything was going to be fine because I knew everyone involved knew what we were doing. But in the back of your head during that time there is that voice that asks really unconstructive questions, and brings up facts that are really not super helpful when you are trying to not worry. Fortunately for us everything was super short and the doctor came in to let us know everything went well ( Laughing by the way is the best way for your kid’s doctor to enter the room after anything titled surgery, no one who is about to give bad news is laughing when they do).

And so what started with our annual trip to the ER ended with a laugh and a trip to Chuck E Cheese for the kiddo. However I’m hoping next year we can break with tradition and skip the ER visit, wishful thinking?

-ITBrewer

I swear this is not some world domination plot

So we all just came through the holidays, which for kiddo meant a couple weeks free of school. In part to get some good bonding time and in part to make sure he wasn’t being passed from one family member to another all break I used up all my vacation time and hung out with him between Christmas and New years.  We went on a hike, went to OMSI (membership rocks folks), and built Legos.

Another goal for the break was to keep the electronics, specifically video games to a minimum. Now to respond to the cry from my contemporaries that I’m already hearing ; I do not object to kids spending some times with video games, some of them can even be used as teaching tools, and are good for hand eye coordination, decision making, attention, and so on. However we at least notice some behavior issues when kiddo spends too much time with the Xbox, his activity level goes way down, and if you leave him to his own devices he will just drift from the Xbox, to his tablet, to the game boy, to the computer, and so on. So by staying home with him he got attention, along with imposed breaks, other activities, and over all I think we had fun.

One project I was really excited about was building a robot; I found a simple Arduino controlled kit that we could easily put together. What I liked about it was that it had something to challenge both of us, and I was able to use it to explain things like how bats and dolphins get around. Kiddo seemed to have fun, I was able to put a screw driver in his hand and help him build our little machine, show him how an ultrasonic ping sensor worked a bit, and we talked about how our robot was able to drive its self around the kitchen without running into things (mostly). And he really did get excited by it, it certainly helped his ego a bit.

-ITBrewer

getting my bearings

This weekend kiddo got to hang out with his dad, which I’m generally in favor of; he has a good time, gets to spend some time with his dad (whom he does miss a great deal), and most importantly for a while at least doesn’t feel like his own father doesn’t want to spend time with him, more on that in a moment.

As I said I am generally in favor of these visits, they are good for kiddo and that is really enough for me. However every time he comes home from one of those visits there is about a day where he looks at me like he is not sure where I fit into his life. I’m not his dad or am I, can he care for me the way he cares for his dad and so on. I know that a large part of it is because he is exhausted, every time he goes to hang out with his dad; his dad seems to try to pack as much awesome into a 24 hour period as is possible, I get the impulse I really do. And then I find myself getting jealous of this guy, because I would love to just do fun things with kiddo. But no I’m the one helping to provide structure and consistency in his life, the one helping to make home where he feels safe, doing homework, working on projects, making sure he gets to the things he needs when he needs them every day. I think what really bothers me is that on some level I end up jealous of a guy who has missed Christmas with his son, or who can’t be bothered to drop a card in the mail for a birthday never mind picking up the phone. And as the one who is there to try to distract kiddo from these things, who is there when he is sad, or sat for an hour helping him put together Legos I feel like I should rate a little higher.

But really I’m being selfish, and truth is I would much rather be the one who is there when he needs a father instead of a buddy. And really I’m more than content with that; I’m honored. My ego will heal and at the end of the day, the week, the month, the year, and for however long I get too, I will try to be there when it matters.

-ITBrewer

A Dad by any other name

I am….very bad at this whole blogging thing, I tend to only really post when I a) have something I feel is worth saying, and b) have the time to actually write it out.  And really these two things have to happen at the same time. I tend to not write things down for later review which means that unless I get the urge to write something when I have an idea, it is likely to stay an idea for quite a while, in general they rattle around my head till the noise becomes too much and I sit down and let them out here.

On the subject of rattling ideas I’ve had this once bouncing between my right and left ear for a while now and I wanted to let it out now that I really have a chance to form the thoughts.

Kiddo calls me Kevin; it is my name after all and it is how I was introduced to him. It works well for us, he is comfortable with it, and I generally always know who he is talking too.  Overall I think he and I are building a pretty healthy step person relationship and honestly labels have never concerned me too much.

But people on the outside of our relationship get a little confused.

“When do you think he will start calling you dad?” they will ask me to which I respond that I don’t know if he ever will and that’s fine

“Does it bother you that he calls you Kevin?” to which I respond not at all.

Here is the thing about this business of what my stepson calls me, it isn’t about what other people think is correct as far as timelines is concerned, it isn’t about face time, and really it isn’t even about what I want. Kiddo can call me Kevin into his thirties for all that I care, at the end of the day the things that really matter are actions,  I will be there for the parent teacher conferences, to stay home with him when he is sick, probably to teach him to drive when the time comes, and assuming I survive that experience I will be there for every other milestone in his life and that right there is what matters more than what he calls me.

Also, when explaining his home to a friend he once described me as “my Kevin” which beats the pants off of dad.

-ITBrewer

This is interesting

So I’m still a little surprised when people tell me they read my blog. In the past with my other blog it has normally been a comment on something I said or a question asking for clarification. And I know I post this on the internet, and throw it up on the various social media I frequent, and I do get that the whole point is that people will read it, but it is strange to me that people care what I have to say.

This blog though has had a very different response, or really a few of them that I had not really considered or prepared for when I started writing. First I did not expect much of a reaction from my friends who were not parents, I don’t know why but I imagined for some reason that this thing would not even make their radar. Not that I imagine them to be somehow unable to understand what I’m putting up here (my friends are in general pretty intelligent people). Perhaps I simply imagined this as outside their experience and therefore they would not care. This was quite far from the truth and to my friends I should say that I am sorry for selling you short. More than one friend on several occasions has come up to comment on this blog, some expressing how touched they were to read it, how they had known all along I would make a good dad ( I still don’t know this by the way, I’m faking it). One friend even expressed that I could have written this blog before in dealing with my friends, however I think a blog titled “my friends are drunken idiots” wouldn’t really have had the same impact.

People also have been telling me how much they enjoy reading  the blog, or how touched they were by something I wrote. This never happens with my other blog (not that I am really surprised about this). Another thing I have been getting a lot is questions as to when I am going to post again. This is all very strange to me,  for various reasons I never really considered experience that important, having people express an emotional response to something I posted on what I had considered a rather self indulgent exorcise was one thing, having them want me to post more was another.

So I suppose I should say thank you everyone who actually cares and I will try to be worthy of that on this blog (not the other one, that one will remain silly).  And I will continue to share my experience, thoughts, and musings on what it is to be me as a stepdad.

A scout is....Accepting

This ties into something I’ve actually been wrestling with for a while. I was a scout; I had fun, and took a lot away from it, and believe in the power of scouting to help shape young people’s lives for the better. But I have some serious issues with Boy Scouts of America, namely the prohibition of gay and atheist scouts and leaders from participating. Recently the BSA has lifted the ban on gay scouts, but not adult leaders and they haven’t even addressed the Atheist question yet, which technically means I’m not welcome. Now for me I’ll probably do what I always do, which is not make an issue out of it if no one else does.

Now though I find myself in a position to participate as a stepdad, Kiddo is getting to be old enough and I feel like there is a lot there that would be good for him. But I also don’t want to put him into an organization that is exclusionary to boys who might be gay or come from a secular house, and I feel BSA denies parents a great opportunity to get to watch their children grow and mature simply based on the parents sexual preference.

So what do I do? Do I let him join BSA and do my best to counter any lesions he learns that we feel are wrong? Or do I not let him join and have him miss out on making new friends, along with all the good parts of scouting? Fortunately there is a third option, here in Portland there are independent scouting groups, set up by parents with the same concerns I have, and overseen by the World federation of independent scouts. You see the BSA doesn’t own the idea of scouting, all the parts that make it good, teaching kids leadership, teamwork, community participation, and everything else is still there. They merit badges, camping trips, and everything else, except the institutional bigotry and intolerance.

What I find to be even better here is that it seems to get closer to the original stated goals of scouting. A look at the Baden-PowellService Association (BPSA) website is actually rather encouraging.

“BPSA teaches traditional scouting, presenting it as it was practiced prior to the 1960s and following the original principles and guidelines laid down by Scouting’s founder, Robert Baden-Powell.”

So now thankfully I don’t have to choose between two bad choices, and if kiddo is interested I think we have our answer.

-ITBrewer