A Dad by any other name

I am….very bad at this whole blogging thing, I tend to only really post when I a) have something I feel is worth saying, and b) have the time to actually write it out.  And really these two things have to happen at the same time. I tend to not write things down for later review which means that unless I get the urge to write something when I have an idea, it is likely to stay an idea for quite a while, in general they rattle around my head till the noise becomes too much and I sit down and let them out here.

On the subject of rattling ideas I’ve had this once bouncing between my right and left ear for a while now and I wanted to let it out now that I really have a chance to form the thoughts.

Kiddo calls me Kevin; it is my name after all and it is how I was introduced to him. It works well for us, he is comfortable with it, and I generally always know who he is talking too.  Overall I think he and I are building a pretty healthy step person relationship and honestly labels have never concerned me too much.

But people on the outside of our relationship get a little confused.

“When do you think he will start calling you dad?” they will ask me to which I respond that I don’t know if he ever will and that’s fine

“Does it bother you that he calls you Kevin?” to which I respond not at all.

Here is the thing about this business of what my stepson calls me, it isn’t about what other people think is correct as far as timelines is concerned, it isn’t about face time, and really it isn’t even about what I want. Kiddo can call me Kevin into his thirties for all that I care, at the end of the day the things that really matter are actions,  I will be there for the parent teacher conferences, to stay home with him when he is sick, probably to teach him to drive when the time comes, and assuming I survive that experience I will be there for every other milestone in his life and that right there is what matters more than what he calls me.

Also, when explaining his home to a friend he once described me as “my Kevin” which beats the pants off of dad.

-ITBrewer

My first Fathers day

Father’s day for me has always been a day to show a little appreciation to my dad, and show some respect to the dads I know. I have always found it a little strange that there are so many men out there who father children but never put the energy into being a “dad” that we need to celebrate it, just the same it is something worth celebrating. For the sake of Clarity let me explain what I mean by “father” and “Dad”; a Father is someone who provided one half of the needed materials to create a child, a Dad is the person who is there, who puts the effort in, who supports, who cheers, and who does everything else that should be done. The number of Fathers who are not also Dads, but that’s not really what I’m wanting to get into.

So Father’s day has always been for dads in my mind, something I always wished someone never had any anyone wish me. But I suppose during my life’s transition over the last year other people started thinking of me as a dad, which is weird. Not because I don’t want to be thought of that way, and not because I think I am somehow unworthy of the title.  And its not like I expected someone to tell me that I had become one. At some point in the last year I started acting like a dad, and because of that people started looking at me like one. I think what makes it strange is that until recently I didn’t realize people saw me that way, and then when I figured out they did, I liked it.

A belated happy father’s day to all the dads out there.

-ITBrewer

On Step Parents

So I am going to come right out and say that I never thought I was the step dad type; I always had a lot of respect for people who will step in and help raise a child. And while family to me has always been so much more than genetics I was never sure I was the sort of man that could do it. Not that I can point to any part of my personality and tell you it was the reason. There is a commitment made by a step parent when they enter that role that I saw as noble and huge and honestly a little frightening. For whatever reason I never considered myself able to make the commitment, I suppose you never know till you are in the moment.

Really to date it has probably been one of the most richly rewarding choices I made in my life; then again it was never a choice. You will hear me say this a lot, but I’ve always been a big believer in the family to chose. That is people outside of genetic relations can have as much importance in your life as the ones who share genes with you. That is really what it comes down to, I’m completely invested, at this point there is no division in my mind and it has become my role to help protect, and nurture this kid even though I missed out on the first few years. Somehow over the last year I’ve managed to start a family, all the while skipping some of what the world tells me is important steps (first comes marriage and so on).

We like labels, and in the end its all we are talking about, whether the kid calls me Kevin or dad or “hey you” is really unimportant. We give labels to things, ideas, and people, and the label I find on myself even though I never thought I could live up to it, is “step dad”; and it is really exciting.

-ITBrewer